U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Sext me about skeletons
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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