Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
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almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
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There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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