The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
