Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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