ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
