Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
