My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
