It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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