do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
