I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
