You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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