my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
