She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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