I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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