I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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