I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
