well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
