So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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