so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
