I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
