his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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