Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
