who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
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making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
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I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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