I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
