I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
