My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
