New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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