Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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