reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
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She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
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Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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