I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
