Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
