that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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