Ambien. No doubt about it.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
