Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
