I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
