Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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