Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
