The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
