Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
