You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
