so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
