me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
