did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
home. puking in laundry basket.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
