just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
