ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
