where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
