I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
