Michael Bay diarrhea
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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