I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
