I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Are we still banned from the library?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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