I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
