using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
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I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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