Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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