Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
