Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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