I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I am midnight drunk by noon
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
