K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
