I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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