Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
