In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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