So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
