you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
