You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
