you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
