this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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