Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
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You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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