just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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