o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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